Bend Over

The first time I heard "bend over" was during a physical when I was entering the Navy. But nobody touched anything. It would be years later before I experienced a prostate exam. Still starts the same. Bend over. I've spent the better part of 48 years thinking my digestive tract was a one way street. You just shouldn't put things in at the bottom. It ain't natural. Fortunately I was asleep for my colonoscopy. I was wide awake for what came next.

Did you know they make a special table for rectal exams? They do. And I got to ride on one. That's right, I said ride. Assuming I'm already bare bottomed it works like this. Bend over.

I am kneeling on the little step at the foot of the exam table and leaning lengthwise across the table towards the pillow end. At first I think it's an ordinary exam table. But wait, there's more! Next thing I know the pillow end starts lowering, dropping my head towards the floor. This continues until I form an inverted V with my gluteus maximus at the apex. And just to make the ride more fun, the entire table lifts me up into the air so the doctor and my tumor can see eye to eye. What I always thought of as an exit is now an entrance. And the doctor is ready to go in.

I should mention at this point that the doctor (let's call him Brad) was assisted by his nurse (Nancy) and a technician (Maria). I can't tell you what part they each played in the exam because they were all behind me. My sweet wife remained in front of me, if only to rub my shoulders and watch my facial expressions. But I digress.

According to my wife they put instruments in there that we never knew existed. She was really impressed. Of course, I didn't exactly get to see them. I do remember thinking, "You can do that?" And I did get a complement from Brad. During one of several digital intrusions (a.k.a. finger) I was asked to squeeze tightly. No surprise to me, he said I had a strong muscle. Doctor certified! I won't mention all the times he had to ask me to relax.

The point here (yes, that's a pun) is that following a CT scan, a rectal ultrasound, and the taking of several other measurements, the famous Colon and Rectal Surgeon, Doctor Bradford Sklow, was ready with my prognosis. And so, without any further ado...

It turns out I have Stage II rectal cancer with an 80% chance of survival. The cancer has not spread anywhere else in my body, nor has it gotten into my lymph nodes so far as can be detected. The tumor did manage to get through the rectal wall and into the fatty tissue on the other side. But it appears to be locally contained and highly treatable. So yeah, I'll bend over for that!